Expanding myself

So I've been playing Call of Duty: infinite warfare every night this week with 2 of my coworkers. And I've been having a blast. I've been playing with Robert Crespo and Robert Bucknan. It's been awesome and I haven't given up. It's been a great experience and Im getting better. I'm still dying alot but I'm getting better.
I hoping this continues.. Tomorrow is paragon day.. I plan on playing paragon for a few hours with a friend I made off of Facebook bear gamer group.

Learning to be by myself

Being alone is challenging. It has been challenging for me. I've been giving up on myself again. My kitchen has remained a mess and all I do is play video games and jerk off.
I need to put in more of an effort. To take care of myself. I need to enjoy myself being by myself.

my begining

So where do I begin?

Do I write down the things I want to do, the things I'd like to do or the things I need to do. I don't want to start listing my problems because that would lead to me to self hatred. Even now, I'm fearing that putting the effort in would do more harm then good.

That's my biggest issue..putting in effort. I'm expecting someone to put in the effort for me. when I really need to do it for myself. So, I need to pick something to put effort into. Something which only I can control. what can i start doing?

Things I like to do:                                  Things I would like to do:
Play video games                                     Play Violin                              
Watching Movies                                     Be more knowledgeable
Laugh                                                        Learn to read and retain more knowledge
Sex                                                            

I feel as if I don't have any skills, I've let myself go so much..I need to work on my mental and physical health. Since I've lost my gym membership and it will take time to get that back up to speed. I need to find some alternatives.   But first, I need to pick one thing off this list of things I'd like to do and focus on that. And I think I will really start with...

Play Violin. it's been on my mind for so long, i've always started then lost interest and lost hope and I've had no one to encourage me.  I have to encourage myself. I have to discipline myself. Even now, my mind is telling me to give up. but I need to fight it. Before I go to bed tonight i'm going to pull out my violin and see if everything is still in working order.

I must learn how to hear a note. I must train my brain to get strong again.

I will .

I need to find out what makes me happy

It's been a long two months since I started my anti-depressant medication.  it's helped, but now I feel as if my body adjusting to it. and i'm started to feel sad, but for different reasons. The lack of socializing and going out, the boredom, the loneliness, lack of funds. I no longer have that rock bottom mentality, but I feel sad none the less..

I know medication is only half of the answer, I need to work on the second half. I have to put in effort to make myself feel better and with using the things around me. I've been lazy and accepting that laziness. I need to learn to take self control of myself. All past weekend..all I've been thinking about is having cold soda. Soda has become my drug. I can't control that, or I feel that I can't control that.

I've come to realize there are things in my personal life I really need to work on. I've taken the time to morn my losses, I've taken my time to cry and embrace my sorrows . I've taken the time to hate myself, feel sorry for myself, forgive myself and learn to start loving myself. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm learning to breath again. I've been so afraid of failing that i've come to rely on that fear and live within it. My personal prison of fear and self doubt/hatred. I've lived in it for too long. I have to learn to leave the familiar feelings behind. let go of my inner fears of failure. I must sacrifice my familiar comforts if i'm going to be able to grow strong and gain insight into the person i want to be for myself.

Giving up the drama.

I had a long talk with Alvin last night. And I've come to a decision. When I'm done paying off bob and Jerry; i'm going to end my friendship with both of them. I can't trust them anymore and other then bob being a bank for me, he hasn't added anything good into my life. I've been thinking about this for a very long time. Jerry is a nice guy and I'm happy for him that he has someone in his life that worship and adores him. But what does Jerry add to my life. Only times we ever spoke was if he had sex questions or needed to vent to me about his mothers disapproval of Luis.

What do they add to my life thats uplifting?

All bob talks about is how everyone's problems are effecting him and I'm bored by his conversations. He's stuck thinking about all his issues with others and his ex and reminding me of my past pains. truly nothing...were bonded by time. I still can't remember when was the last time I called him to just chat. the same with Jerry. Again, with Jerry we are only bonded by time.
I feel that the time i've spent away from them, i've had a sense of peace and less distraction to focus on myself and really feel what I need for my life to feel better.

The anti-depressants are working and i'm feeling more at peace with myself. I'm almost afraid to know what might happen when I run out. I'm hoping before the end of april I can get a doctor in place. I've stop smoking and I've stopped caring so much about getting attention from anyone.

I've been hanging out with Chris still and I haven't become obsessive and tony's been messaging me and i'm not jumping at the moment of messaging him right away.

He's going to be officially disconnected from me today. he's switching over to Sprint. I still feel as if I am acting cold towards him. That I feel that i'm so detached when I speak to him.
That's how i've been feeling lately since starting the meds. I'm not attach to my obsessive thoughts and emotions.

I'm finally starting to figure out what it means to be me. Alone, Single, by myself and I'm okay with it. I'm comfortable ..and I'm wanting to protect myself as much as possible.
Already Mike has ask and last night Ish has asked about being roommates. I shut both ideas down. I don't know why Im communicating with ISH, He hasn't shown any evidence that he would add anything positive in my life. I keep him at arms length  

3rd hangout

I  don't know why I'm nervous?  This is the third time Chris and I are hanging out..and I've been nervous since coming home last night. 

I just don't know why..I'm excited to see him and be with him..but for some reason this feels more intense. But not in a sexual way..like my heart can't stop pumping fast. The anticipation of being with him. Jesus what does it mean?.

New predicament

So, I've been hooking up with this guy, His name is Chris Rivera. cute kid, he's 28, Puerto Rican. A bit of a shy kid and he's into games.
I meet him about a year or so ago, I believe tony and I where still together.
Victor brought him over one night as his date. That night we all played cards against Humanity and we all had a good time.
Later down the road Victor and Chris where no longer seeing each other. Chris admitted to Victor that he came on too strong and I guess wanted to jump into sex faster then Chris was comfortable doing.
So that was the last we heard of Chris. Down the road I sent a message to chris. Just saying hello and Hi and figured he could be a good gaming buddy. but nothing ever came of it. then a few months later I see on his facebook page that he was engaged to some kid from long Island. In my mind I was like, " talk about moving too fast" but I didn't think anything of it. So then a few more months pass..I decide to say hello to him. Me, I'm just being nice. I sent him a few facebook messages. He response and we catch up ..tells me he's no longer seeing that kid cause he also moved too fast. So, then I don't hear anything else from him. A year goes by, I hear that his apartment caught on fire so I message him to see if he's ok. He tells me he's fine and that his family is safe. So a few more months pass by.
then Victor tells tony that chris is messaging him and wanting to give it another shot. So victor messaged him and no response . So Victor officially wrote him off. So I started messaging him again just saying hey and small talk.
last week, I was bored and needed something to do to keep my mind off of Tony. so I messaged him and he responded. I asked if he wanted to hang out? He said yes, so I picked him up and brought him back to my place.
My newly deemed singles pad, my sanctuary. We didn't really say much other then small talk. All in my mind was thinking..I'm building bridges and I need to make new friends.and he could be one. We played Mortal Kombat for a while laughing and enjoying ourselves. Then I put on something funny to watch and we got closer. He then put my arm around him and we began cuddling a little. I didn't think too much of it. then he turned to face me and kissed me. And I kissed back.
We continued kissing for a very long time. it was nice. something I haven't felt in a while. my brian shut off and all i was doing was kissing. We ended up in my bedroom and we continued to make out. We kept our clothes on and I told him inbetween kisses that we can go as slow as you want to. I truly was in no rush. He admitted that was a reason why he never stayed with anyone too long..cause they rushed to have sex .

I've come to realize that, I don't care for Blow Jobs or Anal sex anymore. if it happens it happens but i don't care for it.

We kept out jeans on as our shirts came off..We started grinding against each other and I was loving it and so was he. it was passionate, full of moaning, and heavy breathing..To me this was sex. I was intoxicated by it and so was he. We did this for hours..on and off..it was nice and I enjoyed it.

We met up a second time and did the same thing, and now tomorrow will be the third time will see each other.

Interesting thing is..in our recent facebook conversation he told me, that he'd be getting out of work at 330pm. I told him I'd pick him up around that time. then he stated, " And you'll have your BOYFRIEND a little longer then the other day.

I was taken aback by it and didn't know what to say other then. K with a Adventure Time emoji.
Im no where near ready for that kind of commitment or that label.

he's cute and all, and who knows, in time i could see myself involved with him. I couldn't help but laugh though. I know if victor found out that I even hooked up with him..it would be a travesty. The only person I've told so far is Alvin. I tried to talk to Tony and get some advice but he was busy.

And my stomach is starting to upset me..shortly after cleaning up a bathroom from a patient who might have a stomach bug. The same bug that two other patients had a few days ago. I'm just hoping it

Id hate to cancel on this kid.

Don't know how I feel

it's been about a week since he's moved out officially. it's been about a week since I've felt that I'm totally on my own. Despite all my overdue bills, I'm feeling ok. I'm not so worried anymore.
I asked bob for a loan to help pay my light bill, but he couldn't so I'll probably be out of power sometime over the weekend or monday..I'm hoping for Monday. but I'm not worried. I don't feel as if it's the end of the world. Tony needed a ride the other night. I went to pick him up and he chilled at the apartment for about an hour till Bryant picked him up. I didn't fall apart when he left. He ended up falling asleep on the couch. For a brief moment i remembered the good times. Seeing him sleep and me playing a game. It made me feel glad.
I'm starting to feel ok. I still feel sad sometimes, but it's a different type of sad. It feels like a sadness that is manageable and that I have a feeling I can overcome it. I can't rely on anyone now.
There is no one for me to rely on anymore.

My goal is to finally pay bob back. I need to get this out of the way.
All i can do is enjoy what little comforts I can afford and just breath.

Can't focus and Cant let go

I can't let go and its starting to get to me again.
I sent tony a message and I haven't heard back from him. At first I was trying not to focus and care because I had to get sleep to go to work after my double shift last night. But now..i'm wondering what he's up to or where he is. I just don't know how to handle it. I tried distracting myself by chatting with other people, browsing the internet, but all I keep thinking is that my cable will get shut off by friday. and I'm kicking myself in the ass for buying mass effect andromeda digitally. I've got 40 bucks left to my name and 2 weeks till my next paycheck which will go to rent. So I feel that I'm being backed into a corner.
I feel more tied down then ever. I need to do something soon or else my the time I get paid..everything will be turned off and  I won't be able to fix it. it would be like trying to move a giant bolder with a small stick.
And I can't ask anyone for help.

I am alone!

I just want to get my head and my heart not focusing on tony or any of them right now. I'm thinking of him as if I need him. Like I need him to say hello to me, to comfort me, just to hear his voice makes me feel that the whole world is better.

Like my mom use to be to me. No matter what, her voice always made me feel that no matter what; I was going to be ok. Like I need that reassurance. knowing that they would always be there. But I don't have that right now. I'll never have that again. My mother is gone and so is tony. I must rely on myself but I have no strength in my words.

I keep telling myself that I don't care, but I do care. I'm done with always being afraid.
I need comfort and support and I can't do it.

Moving day.

So, today I believe is the last time I'll see tony in a while. It seems that every time I see him now. I feel pain and sorrow; even with my anti-depressants in me I still am crying. I helped him and the rest of his group move from there old place to there new one.

He's Gone.

So he's gone. Tony came by this morning and I helped him pack up with bed and
some of his other items. Pretty much all his essentials. I cried a little..Tracy was there and she hugged me. She's a great person, I'm glad that Tony has such a good person to be around.
Im still feeling sad about him leaving.
I'm trying not to let my bitterness and sadness overwhelm me.
I will learn to Move on. I have no more tears left.

god, it feels so weird.

I wish you all the happiness in the world

Every time I see you two together, it kills me
Every time I hear you laugh with him on the phone, it kills
me.
I feel so torn and alone and that I don't matter to you or anyone..
it kills me.
Every time you come back, it kills me.

So I decided to let everything you do and say stop killing me, by killing myself.

I loved you so much, I wanted to be your everything, but I wasn't, I couldn't be..you didn't want to put in the effort and I was to blind to see it.

I have no faith in myself anymore, I've tried so so hard to be someone to myself, but I couldn't do it.
The loss of my mother, and now the loss of you is too much for me to bare.
I wanted to know that I still mattered to you. All I wanted was a hug.

I wanted you to talk to me, but you didn't know how to. You said it's my problem, you can't help me. But you could have. you could have held me, you could have asked me more often if I was ok, you could have tried to spend time with me. you would have had the rest of your life to be with him, laugh with him, love him, cherish him.

All I wanted was for you to say, "hey, lets watch a movie together" "hey, let me make you breakfest" or just hey.."ask me how i'm doing", but not be on your cell phone while doing that.

you cast me aside so quickly ..you turned away so fast. I can't deal with it. I can't not now..knowing that you and him are in the next room growing your new life together. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope you learn to open up and really show bryant how great you are.

I'm done with the heart ache, i'm done with the sleepless nights, the crying, the sense of loss, the cold loneliness . you didn't even want to try to work things out..I love you ..and I'm mad at you ..

I'm done feelinglke this..I can't. i just can't.

I leave all my belongings to you. the key for the safe box is in my jewelry box.  take care of the girls.
just burn my body.

i blame myself for who i am and what i've chosen to do. I hate you for leaving me, but I still love you. and I hope byrant is everything you hoped for. I pray that he takes care of you when you need it and that he give you the space that I couldn't to live your own life and make your own mistakes .

I'm done..so done with this pain.
god forgive me.

So the End is near

This is about my mother.

The nursing home called me before I came into work to inform me that she's starting to really fade away. She's stopped eating/drinking completely and is not moving at all now. she's almost gone.

No matter what happens or how prepared you are, your never ready for when someone dies. That's what I keep telling myself. I've ran out of tears, my heart can't break anymore.

I'm numb and maybe that's a good thing. All I can do now if just breath and move forward.

I feel as if my emotional ties to Tony are now unraveling. The more he stays away the better i'm feeling. it get a little difficult when he's back. I've been catching myself saying statements like  "The Apartment" instead of home. I've slowed down in asking him when he's coming back. I'm still somethings pining after he sends a text message waiting for an answer. but i'm trying to distract myself with thought's of what I want to do with my time.

My dilemma now is that i'm wanting to get something for his birthday and i'm thinking either paying off his nintendo switch or looking into buying his watch he's been trying to get these last few months.

A big part of me is saying I shouldn't do anything for him.

I'm actually feeling some anxiety right now..between thinking of my mom and tony. I'm waiting for both people who've meant a lot in my life to just disappear. Like I'm just waiting for bad news.

I need to start thinking of the good news. or good things. Things that will make me feel happy again. Like Mass Effect coming out, me getting my pto time off to play it. What snacks will i have and how much sleep will I not get.

What weekend trip will i take when the weather gets better.
God, How much money I'm gonna save cause I'll be buying food for one.
Thinking of what I should do with that room once tony leaves.

Now that I realize it. I don't know if I'll stay at the apartment . Im thinking I may try to stay at least once more year. Then move into something smaller.
 
Anxiety is getting worse. Found out tony isn't coming home tonight. it's bothering me. like i want to see him and it's making me bad about myself. i know i shouldn't but i feel that..we don't have that much time together left and he's not showing any indication that he'll miss me. I'm feeling as if he wont care that i even exist once he's fully moved out.

he's selfish, he's selfish and I shouldn't give a fuck about it. That's what i should be saying to myself.  

the last 2 days.

So I haven't kept up as much as I should. its been interesting 2 days.
first off..i'm starting to feel better. I'm not looking at my phone as much and I'm starting to feel as if I've dodged a major bullet with Tony. There's a lot of drama going on with that group of people whom will become his new roommates. That's all I want to say because I don't want to ruin the mood i'm in.

I'm actually looking forward to him moving out. My first weekend with him away was emotionally self destructive and I couldn't handle that. But now. I'm really to give him up and move on. I'm done focusing on him, I'm done always putting him first. He's want to be a big boy and his own man then fine. He'll grow and he'll grow with bryant. I hope and wish them the best, but i'm so ready to just live my life and focus on me.

I'm still more angry about him then anything else. I still have those moments of wanting his attention, but it's becoming less and less.

I'm just focusing on what I should do with the little mad money i'm getting after my tax return comes in. i'm taking 300 bucls/ if I get it before march i'm definitely pre-ordering Mass Effect: Andromda . That's all i really want. I am also going to try and do something active. Like go to New york. Maybe go see a show.

I need to continue to focus on myself. I find it so interesting that my depression and self hatred has turned to anger and resentment towards him. I want him to go. I don't look at him in the same way as I use to.

I use to look at him as he could do no wrong, that he's beautiful regardless of whatever flaws he says he has. I would have loved him forever.

I don't anymore, I look at him  and all I see is someone who lost out at a great guy. I'm a good person and I offered him comfort and love which he didn't want. So fuck him.

I do hope for the best for him, but he not my concern anymore. let bryant deal with him.

My morning feelings

Usually these past few mornings I've woken up feeling depressed,  anxious,  like I don't want to face the world.  This morning,  I'm feeling anger,  almost like I'm mad he still here.  I'm angry that he's on this diet because it limits everything he can eat and there's not even a full meal plan set up yet.  Plus the fact he has to pay her for whatever she's cooking or preparing for him.  He's not prepared.  That's the one thing I can't stand is when people are not prepared. 

I think im also angry that because he's on this diet,  I can't do anything or make anything that he can eat.  It's the nurturing instinct in me.  I was never much of a dietter, I always believed in somewhat portion control and excercise.  This whole no carbs thing nearly made me drop dead so I've sworn off these fad diets.  I hope it works out for him.. But jess needs to be more attentive. 

It's a control issue,  I can't control what he chooses to eat,  all I can do is take care of me right.. But why am I feeling as if I'm in the wrong.  Why am I ashamed to eat in front of him now? I'm being ridiculous. 

Im looking forward to the day he leaves.  I want him gone away from here with his fucked up diet,  with his new love life and happy future.  I want the peace that I've had these last few days back where I didn't have to worry about his needs. 

That's what's I'm angry about.... It's his needs.. And now Bryant is awake.  I hear the familiar text notification sound.  Let him be Bryant's problem.  I wish I could be somewhere else. 

Family reunion dream

I was driving by the old house and I parked in the drive way.  I had a copy of our old house key.  The neighbor who bought the house told me to go in.  Before I opened the door I could hear familiar voices coming from inside.  I began to panic as I open the door,  I walk in and see My mom,  aunt Rita,  As net,  her sister,  Pam and Sonya,  and I think my brother were all in the old stamford house in the empty room that use to be our dinning room.  The table and chairs where still there.  They were all there waiting for something  I asked them wait thay where all doing and no one answered.  Mom was standing up.  Still looking malnourished like she was at the nursing home but she was standing waring a red sweater,  makeup and earrings.  It felt so real.. So so real.  I told myself this isn't real and I actually tried to wake up.. By hitting or punching my hands together.  I woke up a little bit and repositioned myself in bed.

What does it mean.  It's felt so real

Day 5, Happy Valentine's day.

Having a Broken heart makes Valentine's day really tuff. I try to make it seem like any other day, but hearing all the happy Valentine's talk and seeing all the Valentine's post of Facebook, it does shake me to the core.
I feel like I want to scream. I feel as if I'm my body been submerge in ice water and i'm being electro shocked at the same time. That's what this day feels to me.

I feel a slow brewing anger . it's towards everyone that is in love.

I had dinner with tony and jess yesterday and it felt so weird. I think I mentioned it in my blog yesterday so I wont repeat it.

Bob pissed me off last night, despite me telling myself that I wouldn't let anything he say effect my mood or way of thinking anymore, but he did. the first thing out of his mouth was about getting his money. So I decided to fill out the bookstore application.

I was more angry at myself putting myself in this position.

Day 4

It's been a eye opening day.. I don't know if I could say good or bad but it was an eye-opening day

Day 3, taking it slow

It's day three.. I woke up with a little anxiety   but I'm ok.. I couldn't go see my mom because of the snow.. I ended up spending most of the day with Mike.  We cuddled,  I liked it.. He makes me feel at peace.  I will not get attached. I'm taking things slow with myself today. 

I'm taking things slowly. 

I survived

I survived a bad day with the help of vodka and a good friend.

Day 2 of my recovery

So it's day 2.

My goal today is to smile a few times today.  I'm here doing Tonys laundry because that was a goal I've set since yesterday.  Anyone else would say I'm being stupid and I probably am.  Sacrificing my time to do this for him.  But I choose to do this,  because I still care.  He's an ass hole,  but till he leaves I can't stop caring.. Well at least in this matter.  My goal,  is not to show any emotion today.  I smile but only on the surface.  I've also turned off my Facebook notification so I won't get pinged when or if he or byrant post anything.  He plans on staying at Bryant's again tonight.  Our friend Mike is spending his day off at the apartment. I really don't care.  After I'm done with laundry I'm going to drop off the clothes and go see my mom.  Then the afternoon will be me getting drunk.  Then tomorrow I host Jerry and his sex obsessed boyfriend. 

I know my dealings with tony will be brief.. He'll be gone soon.  I've got to keep my self together.  It's day 2, let me be better than I was yesterday. 

Moment of weakness

I had a moment of weakness,  where I loomed over him waiting for an answer to my question.. I got pissed and walked out. 

my name is Inanimatum

Inanimatum is latin for Soulless.

My name is Inanimatum

that is who I will be, that is the person I will become.

My name is Inanimatum.

My 1 drawing of how I'm feeling.

Decided to try and draw out my emotions.  And this is what I drew.  8 felt pretty intense afterwards but also a small sense of relief. 

The David I dreamed of being.

I've always had this fantasy about what I would look like and the type of person I would be. I remember watching the movie Hard to Kill with Steven Seagal. How he was nearly killed and was in a coma for a few years to wake up a few years later and the movie Demolition Man where they froze Sylvester Stallion and he was brought back with imprinted skills and essentially given a new life.

I wished that would happen for me. That I could be in some accident and left in a coma for a few years, and then I wake up and the whole world is different. I'd wake up and my body would be different. I'd be in a 10 year coma and while I was asleep my body would be altered .  I've had muscles, my eyesight would be perfect, I'd look attractive and I'd have a nice package . Id wake up and I would not want for anything. I'd find a great condo and buy it outright and just live my life. spend my days cultivating hobbies like playing the violin and learning piano. I'd practice yoga and meditation.

My personality would be one of a man at peace with himself. I'm quiet, calm, almost seductive. I'd have a career as a counselor .
I'd be the guy people would want to get to know and guys would want to have sex with.
I'd feel detached from my emotions to a degree.

I wouldn't have a need to be wanted or desired. I wouldn't feel depressed for being alone. I'd take solace in being alone. I'd spend my days by myself just enjoying life the way I choose to. I wouldn't need the attention of others. I'd be able to stand on my own two feet, be cool, calm , and collected.

I'd be this hard cold steel of a person. Not this gushing special Ed case that i come off like where I use nothing but witty sexual inappropriateness to make people laugh.

How can I be this person?
What can I do? What should I do?

My personality-
Putting other first before myself
Needy
To much relaying on others for emotional support
Scared of being Alone
 Not comfortable in my own skin

My Dream David-
Peaceful
Confidant
Relaying on myself
Comfortable Being Alone

I need to try and be the person I've dreamed of being. To be the man I see in my dreams. I need to bring him to life.

Day 1 of My Break Up Recovery February 10th, 2017

My name is David, And I've been single now for 1 year. I was in a 3 year relationship with a guy, his name was Tone. I loved him, and I thought he loved me. But I ignored the signs that he was unhappy. I kept thinking that the more I showed him attention and affection the more he would love me. I was mistaken. I coddled him and tried to take care of all of his needs even when he didn't ask me to. I was controlling and I wasn't listening.
So we grew apart cause I thought he needed space. 3 years later, he told me he wasn't in love with me any more and that he no longer found me physically attractive .  I think that's what hurt the most. I wasn't well endowed so sex was limiting so I thought opening the relationship would be a good idea. In my mind, all i wanted was him to be happy and happy with me. But that didn't work and so we broke up. We continued living together because he had no place else to go. So we became roommates. I still kept hope in me that he would want me back. He started seeing another guy and it sent me into a depression and even attempted suicide.
I recovered , still hoping that maybe he'd open up to me and show that he stilled had some feelings for me, but i was wrong. A year past and we were still living together and we were becoming friends. The guy he was seeing faded away and then at the 1 year anniversary of our break up I found out that he had developing feelings for a mutual friend of ours, "B" "B" also had strong feelings for him and when I found out..again it put me into a depression but of a different kind.
I was depressed and angry and felt that life wasn't fair. I was still single and hurting and he was again with someone. I went insane with anger, guilt, depression, anxiety , self-hatred and I wanted to die all over again.
The loneliness was killing me, the thoughts of him was killing me, hearing his laughter, seeing him and "B" being so close to each other was killing me. I was angry that he was so lucky and I was totally out of luck. I started questing my life and why fate was so cruel. I contemplated suicide again. But I couldn't do it. My mother became ill, so I needed to stick around. I've opened up to friends and they all tell me, to take space away from Tone, to throw him out, to disappear, but I don't have the hart to. Tone, said he plans on moving out so that I can heal, but I don't want him to. But I know he will leave me sooner or later.
I'm angry that he's moved on so soon while I'm struggling. According to our friends, whom he confides in, that he got over our relationship a year before he broke up with me. I'm still hurting, and still trying to recover especially on days and nights when I'm alone.

The reason I started out my Recovery blog with this was to give you the backstory to why I'm feeling the way i'm feeling.  

I feel that I have no one to talk to, so I'm putting my pain into words to help cope with what i'm going through. My goal is to work on these feeling , accept them, and learn to become a better man from that. To find what makes me happy and to have purpose again.

My goal is to work past my pain and to feel better and learn to be who I am .