My name is David, And I've been single now for 1 year. I was in a 3 year relationship with a guy, his name was Tone. I loved him, and I thought he loved me. But I ignored the signs that he was unhappy. I kept thinking that the more I showed him attention and affection the more he would love me. I was mistaken. I coddled him and tried to take care of all of his needs even when he didn't ask me to. I was controlling and I wasn't listening.
So we grew apart cause I thought he needed space. 3 years later, he told me he wasn't in love with me any more and that he no longer found me physically attractive . I think that's what hurt the most. I wasn't well endowed so sex was limiting so I thought opening the relationship would be a good idea. In my mind, all i wanted was him to be happy and happy with me. But that didn't work and so we broke up. We continued living together because he had no place else to go. So we became roommates. I still kept hope in me that he would want me back. He started seeing another guy and it sent me into a depression and even attempted suicide.
I recovered , still hoping that maybe he'd open up to me and show that he stilled had some feelings for me, but i was wrong. A year past and we were still living together and we were becoming friends. The guy he was seeing faded away and then at the 1 year anniversary of our break up I found out that he had developing feelings for a mutual friend of ours, "B" "B" also had strong feelings for him and when I found out..again it put me into a depression but of a different kind.
I was depressed and angry and felt that life wasn't fair. I was still single and hurting and he was again with someone. I went insane with anger, guilt, depression, anxiety , self-hatred and I wanted to die all over again.
The loneliness was killing me, the thoughts of him was killing me, hearing his laughter, seeing him and "B" being so close to each other was killing me. I was angry that he was so lucky and I was totally out of luck. I started questing my life and why fate was so cruel. I contemplated suicide again. But I couldn't do it. My mother became ill, so I needed to stick around. I've opened up to friends and they all tell me, to take space away from Tone, to throw him out, to disappear, but I don't have the hart to. Tone, said he plans on moving out so that I can heal, but I don't want him to. But I know he will leave me sooner or later.
I'm angry that he's moved on so soon while I'm struggling. According to our friends, whom he confides in, that he got over our relationship a year before he broke up with me. I'm still hurting, and still trying to recover especially on days and nights when I'm alone.
The reason I started out my Recovery blog with this was to give you the backstory to why I'm feeling the way i'm feeling.
I feel that I have no one to talk to, so I'm putting my pain into words to help cope with what i'm going through. My goal is to work on these feeling , accept them, and learn to become a better man from that. To find what makes me happy and to have purpose again.
My goal is to work past my pain and to feel better and learn to be who I am .
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