So I've been playing Call of Duty: infinite warfare every night this week with 2 of my coworkers. And I've been having a blast. I've been playing with Robert Crespo and Robert Bucknan. It's been awesome and I haven't given up. It's been a great experience and Im getting better. I'm still dying alot but I'm getting better.
I hoping this continues.. Tomorrow is paragon day.. I plan on playing paragon for a few hours with a friend I made off of Facebook bear gamer group.
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Expanding myself
Learning to be by myself
Being alone is challenging. It has been challenging for me. I've been giving up on myself again. My kitchen has remained a mess and all I do is play video games and jerk off.
I need to put in more of an effort. To take care of myself. I need to enjoy myself being by myself.
Monday, May 8, 2017
my begining
So where do I begin?
Do I write down the things I want to do, the things I'd like to do or the things I need to do. I don't want to start listing my problems because that would lead to me to self hatred. Even now, I'm fearing that putting the effort in would do more harm then good.
That's my biggest issue..putting in effort. I'm expecting someone to put in the effort for me. when I really need to do it for myself. So, I need to pick something to put effort into. Something which only I can control. what can i start doing?
Things I like to do: Things I would like to do:
Play video games Play Violin
Watching Movies Be more knowledgeable
Laugh Learn to read and retain more knowledge
Sex
I feel as if I don't have any skills, I've let myself go so much..I need to work on my mental and physical health. Since I've lost my gym membership and it will take time to get that back up to speed. I need to find some alternatives. But first, I need to pick one thing off this list of things I'd like to do and focus on that. And I think I will really start with...
Play Violin. it's been on my mind for so long, i've always started then lost interest and lost hope and I've had no one to encourage me. I have to encourage myself. I have to discipline myself. Even now, my mind is telling me to give up. but I need to fight it. Before I go to bed tonight i'm going to pull out my violin and see if everything is still in working order.
I must learn how to hear a note. I must train my brain to get strong again.
I will .
Do I write down the things I want to do, the things I'd like to do or the things I need to do. I don't want to start listing my problems because that would lead to me to self hatred. Even now, I'm fearing that putting the effort in would do more harm then good.
That's my biggest issue..putting in effort. I'm expecting someone to put in the effort for me. when I really need to do it for myself. So, I need to pick something to put effort into. Something which only I can control. what can i start doing?
Things I like to do: Things I would like to do:
Play video games Play Violin
Watching Movies Be more knowledgeable
Laugh Learn to read and retain more knowledge
Sex
I feel as if I don't have any skills, I've let myself go so much..I need to work on my mental and physical health. Since I've lost my gym membership and it will take time to get that back up to speed. I need to find some alternatives. But first, I need to pick one thing off this list of things I'd like to do and focus on that. And I think I will really start with...
Play Violin. it's been on my mind for so long, i've always started then lost interest and lost hope and I've had no one to encourage me. I have to encourage myself. I have to discipline myself. Even now, my mind is telling me to give up. but I need to fight it. Before I go to bed tonight i'm going to pull out my violin and see if everything is still in working order.
I must learn how to hear a note. I must train my brain to get strong again.
I will .
I need to find out what makes me happy
It's been a long two months since I started my anti-depressant medication. it's helped, but now I feel as if my body adjusting to it. and i'm started to feel sad, but for different reasons. The lack of socializing and going out, the boredom, the loneliness, lack of funds. I no longer have that rock bottom mentality, but I feel sad none the less..
I know medication is only half of the answer, I need to work on the second half. I have to put in effort to make myself feel better and with using the things around me. I've been lazy and accepting that laziness. I need to learn to take self control of myself. All past weekend..all I've been thinking about is having cold soda. Soda has become my drug. I can't control that, or I feel that I can't control that.
I've come to realize there are things in my personal life I really need to work on. I've taken the time to morn my losses, I've taken my time to cry and embrace my sorrows . I've taken the time to hate myself, feel sorry for myself, forgive myself and learn to start loving myself. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm learning to breath again. I've been so afraid of failing that i've come to rely on that fear and live within it. My personal prison of fear and self doubt/hatred. I've lived in it for too long. I have to learn to leave the familiar feelings behind. let go of my inner fears of failure. I must sacrifice my familiar comforts if i'm going to be able to grow strong and gain insight into the person i want to be for myself.
I know medication is only half of the answer, I need to work on the second half. I have to put in effort to make myself feel better and with using the things around me. I've been lazy and accepting that laziness. I need to learn to take self control of myself. All past weekend..all I've been thinking about is having cold soda. Soda has become my drug. I can't control that, or I feel that I can't control that.
I've come to realize there are things in my personal life I really need to work on. I've taken the time to morn my losses, I've taken my time to cry and embrace my sorrows . I've taken the time to hate myself, feel sorry for myself, forgive myself and learn to start loving myself. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm learning to breath again. I've been so afraid of failing that i've come to rely on that fear and live within it. My personal prison of fear and self doubt/hatred. I've lived in it for too long. I have to learn to leave the familiar feelings behind. let go of my inner fears of failure. I must sacrifice my familiar comforts if i'm going to be able to grow strong and gain insight into the person i want to be for myself.
Friday, April 7, 2017
Giving up the drama.
I had a long talk with Alvin last night. And I've come to a decision. When I'm done paying off bob and Jerry; i'm going to end my friendship with both of them. I can't trust them anymore and other then bob being a bank for me, he hasn't added anything good into my life. I've been thinking about this for a very long time. Jerry is a nice guy and I'm happy for him that he has someone in his life that worship and adores him. But what does Jerry add to my life. Only times we ever spoke was if he had sex questions or needed to vent to me about his mothers disapproval of Luis.
What do they add to my life thats uplifting?
All bob talks about is how everyone's problems are effecting him and I'm bored by his conversations. He's stuck thinking about all his issues with others and his ex and reminding me of my past pains. truly nothing...were bonded by time. I still can't remember when was the last time I called him to just chat. the same with Jerry. Again, with Jerry we are only bonded by time.
I feel that the time i've spent away from them, i've had a sense of peace and less distraction to focus on myself and really feel what I need for my life to feel better.
The anti-depressants are working and i'm feeling more at peace with myself. I'm almost afraid to know what might happen when I run out. I'm hoping before the end of april I can get a doctor in place. I've stop smoking and I've stopped caring so much about getting attention from anyone.
I've been hanging out with Chris still and I haven't become obsessive and tony's been messaging me and i'm not jumping at the moment of messaging him right away.
He's going to be officially disconnected from me today. he's switching over to Sprint. I still feel as if I am acting cold towards him. That I feel that i'm so detached when I speak to him.
That's how i've been feeling lately since starting the meds. I'm not attach to my obsessive thoughts and emotions.
I'm finally starting to figure out what it means to be me. Alone, Single, by myself and I'm okay with it. I'm comfortable ..and I'm wanting to protect myself as much as possible.
Already Mike has ask and last night Ish has asked about being roommates. I shut both ideas down. I don't know why Im communicating with ISH, He hasn't shown any evidence that he would add anything positive in my life. I keep him at arms length
What do they add to my life thats uplifting?
All bob talks about is how everyone's problems are effecting him and I'm bored by his conversations. He's stuck thinking about all his issues with others and his ex and reminding me of my past pains. truly nothing...were bonded by time. I still can't remember when was the last time I called him to just chat. the same with Jerry. Again, with Jerry we are only bonded by time.
I feel that the time i've spent away from them, i've had a sense of peace and less distraction to focus on myself and really feel what I need for my life to feel better.
The anti-depressants are working and i'm feeling more at peace with myself. I'm almost afraid to know what might happen when I run out. I'm hoping before the end of april I can get a doctor in place. I've stop smoking and I've stopped caring so much about getting attention from anyone.
I've been hanging out with Chris still and I haven't become obsessive and tony's been messaging me and i'm not jumping at the moment of messaging him right away.
He's going to be officially disconnected from me today. he's switching over to Sprint. I still feel as if I am acting cold towards him. That I feel that i'm so detached when I speak to him.
That's how i've been feeling lately since starting the meds. I'm not attach to my obsessive thoughts and emotions.
I'm finally starting to figure out what it means to be me. Alone, Single, by myself and I'm okay with it. I'm comfortable ..and I'm wanting to protect myself as much as possible.
Already Mike has ask and last night Ish has asked about being roommates. I shut both ideas down. I don't know why Im communicating with ISH, He hasn't shown any evidence that he would add anything positive in my life. I keep him at arms length
Thursday, March 30, 2017
3rd hangout
I don't know why I'm nervous? This is the third time Chris and I are hanging out..and I've been nervous since coming home last night.
I just don't know why..I'm excited to see him and be with him..but for some reason this feels more intense. But not in a sexual way..like my heart can't stop pumping fast. The anticipation of being with him. Jesus what does it mean?.
Friday, March 24, 2017
New predicament
So, I've been hooking up with this guy, His name is Chris Rivera. cute kid, he's 28, Puerto Rican. A bit of a shy kid and he's into games.
I meet him about a year or so ago, I believe tony and I where still together.
Victor brought him over one night as his date. That night we all played cards against Humanity and we all had a good time.
Later down the road Victor and Chris where no longer seeing each other. Chris admitted to Victor that he came on too strong and I guess wanted to jump into sex faster then Chris was comfortable doing.
So that was the last we heard of Chris. Down the road I sent a message to chris. Just saying hello and Hi and figured he could be a good gaming buddy. but nothing ever came of it. then a few months later I see on his facebook page that he was engaged to some kid from long Island. In my mind I was like, " talk about moving too fast" but I didn't think anything of it. So then a few more months pass..I decide to say hello to him. Me, I'm just being nice. I sent him a few facebook messages. He response and we catch up ..tells me he's no longer seeing that kid cause he also moved too fast. So, then I don't hear anything else from him. A year goes by, I hear that his apartment caught on fire so I message him to see if he's ok. He tells me he's fine and that his family is safe. So a few more months pass by.
then Victor tells tony that chris is messaging him and wanting to give it another shot. So victor messaged him and no response . So Victor officially wrote him off. So I started messaging him again just saying hey and small talk.
last week, I was bored and needed something to do to keep my mind off of Tony. so I messaged him and he responded. I asked if he wanted to hang out? He said yes, so I picked him up and brought him back to my place.
My newly deemed singles pad, my sanctuary. We didn't really say much other then small talk. All in my mind was thinking..I'm building bridges and I need to make new friends.and he could be one. We played Mortal Kombat for a while laughing and enjoying ourselves. Then I put on something funny to watch and we got closer. He then put my arm around him and we began cuddling a little. I didn't think too much of it. then he turned to face me and kissed me. And I kissed back.
We continued kissing for a very long time. it was nice. something I haven't felt in a while. my brian shut off and all i was doing was kissing. We ended up in my bedroom and we continued to make out. We kept our clothes on and I told him inbetween kisses that we can go as slow as you want to. I truly was in no rush. He admitted that was a reason why he never stayed with anyone too long..cause they rushed to have sex .
I've come to realize that, I don't care for Blow Jobs or Anal sex anymore. if it happens it happens but i don't care for it.
We kept out jeans on as our shirts came off..We started grinding against each other and I was loving it and so was he. it was passionate, full of moaning, and heavy breathing..To me this was sex. I was intoxicated by it and so was he. We did this for hours..on and off..it was nice and I enjoyed it.
We met up a second time and did the same thing, and now tomorrow will be the third time will see each other.
Interesting thing is..in our recent facebook conversation he told me, that he'd be getting out of work at 330pm. I told him I'd pick him up around that time. then he stated, " And you'll have your BOYFRIEND a little longer then the other day.
I was taken aback by it and didn't know what to say other then. K with a Adventure Time emoji.
Im no where near ready for that kind of commitment or that label.
he's cute and all, and who knows, in time i could see myself involved with him. I couldn't help but laugh though. I know if victor found out that I even hooked up with him..it would be a travesty. The only person I've told so far is Alvin. I tried to talk to Tony and get some advice but he was busy.
And my stomach is starting to upset me..shortly after cleaning up a bathroom from a patient who might have a stomach bug. The same bug that two other patients had a few days ago. I'm just hoping it
Id hate to cancel on this kid.
I meet him about a year or so ago, I believe tony and I where still together.
Victor brought him over one night as his date. That night we all played cards against Humanity and we all had a good time.
Later down the road Victor and Chris where no longer seeing each other. Chris admitted to Victor that he came on too strong and I guess wanted to jump into sex faster then Chris was comfortable doing.
So that was the last we heard of Chris. Down the road I sent a message to chris. Just saying hello and Hi and figured he could be a good gaming buddy. but nothing ever came of it. then a few months later I see on his facebook page that he was engaged to some kid from long Island. In my mind I was like, " talk about moving too fast" but I didn't think anything of it. So then a few more months pass..I decide to say hello to him. Me, I'm just being nice. I sent him a few facebook messages. He response and we catch up ..tells me he's no longer seeing that kid cause he also moved too fast. So, then I don't hear anything else from him. A year goes by, I hear that his apartment caught on fire so I message him to see if he's ok. He tells me he's fine and that his family is safe. So a few more months pass by.
then Victor tells tony that chris is messaging him and wanting to give it another shot. So victor messaged him and no response . So Victor officially wrote him off. So I started messaging him again just saying hey and small talk.
last week, I was bored and needed something to do to keep my mind off of Tony. so I messaged him and he responded. I asked if he wanted to hang out? He said yes, so I picked him up and brought him back to my place.
My newly deemed singles pad, my sanctuary. We didn't really say much other then small talk. All in my mind was thinking..I'm building bridges and I need to make new friends.and he could be one. We played Mortal Kombat for a while laughing and enjoying ourselves. Then I put on something funny to watch and we got closer. He then put my arm around him and we began cuddling a little. I didn't think too much of it. then he turned to face me and kissed me. And I kissed back.
We continued kissing for a very long time. it was nice. something I haven't felt in a while. my brian shut off and all i was doing was kissing. We ended up in my bedroom and we continued to make out. We kept our clothes on and I told him inbetween kisses that we can go as slow as you want to. I truly was in no rush. He admitted that was a reason why he never stayed with anyone too long..cause they rushed to have sex .
I've come to realize that, I don't care for Blow Jobs or Anal sex anymore. if it happens it happens but i don't care for it.
We kept out jeans on as our shirts came off..We started grinding against each other and I was loving it and so was he. it was passionate, full of moaning, and heavy breathing..To me this was sex. I was intoxicated by it and so was he. We did this for hours..on and off..it was nice and I enjoyed it.
We met up a second time and did the same thing, and now tomorrow will be the third time will see each other.
Interesting thing is..in our recent facebook conversation he told me, that he'd be getting out of work at 330pm. I told him I'd pick him up around that time. then he stated, " And you'll have your BOYFRIEND a little longer then the other day.
I was taken aback by it and didn't know what to say other then. K with a Adventure Time emoji.
Im no where near ready for that kind of commitment or that label.
he's cute and all, and who knows, in time i could see myself involved with him. I couldn't help but laugh though. I know if victor found out that I even hooked up with him..it would be a travesty. The only person I've told so far is Alvin. I tried to talk to Tony and get some advice but he was busy.
And my stomach is starting to upset me..shortly after cleaning up a bathroom from a patient who might have a stomach bug. The same bug that two other patients had a few days ago. I'm just hoping it
Id hate to cancel on this kid.
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