3rd hangout

I  don't know why I'm nervous?  This is the third time Chris and I are hanging out..and I've been nervous since coming home last night. 

I just don't know why..I'm excited to see him and be with him..but for some reason this feels more intense. But not in a sexual way..like my heart can't stop pumping fast. The anticipation of being with him. Jesus what does it mean?.

New predicament

So, I've been hooking up with this guy, His name is Chris Rivera. cute kid, he's 28, Puerto Rican. A bit of a shy kid and he's into games.
I meet him about a year or so ago, I believe tony and I where still together.
Victor brought him over one night as his date. That night we all played cards against Humanity and we all had a good time.
Later down the road Victor and Chris where no longer seeing each other. Chris admitted to Victor that he came on too strong and I guess wanted to jump into sex faster then Chris was comfortable doing.
So that was the last we heard of Chris. Down the road I sent a message to chris. Just saying hello and Hi and figured he could be a good gaming buddy. but nothing ever came of it. then a few months later I see on his facebook page that he was engaged to some kid from long Island. In my mind I was like, " talk about moving too fast" but I didn't think anything of it. So then a few more months pass..I decide to say hello to him. Me, I'm just being nice. I sent him a few facebook messages. He response and we catch up ..tells me he's no longer seeing that kid cause he also moved too fast. So, then I don't hear anything else from him. A year goes by, I hear that his apartment caught on fire so I message him to see if he's ok. He tells me he's fine and that his family is safe. So a few more months pass by.
then Victor tells tony that chris is messaging him and wanting to give it another shot. So victor messaged him and no response . So Victor officially wrote him off. So I started messaging him again just saying hey and small talk.
last week, I was bored and needed something to do to keep my mind off of Tony. so I messaged him and he responded. I asked if he wanted to hang out? He said yes, so I picked him up and brought him back to my place.
My newly deemed singles pad, my sanctuary. We didn't really say much other then small talk. All in my mind was thinking..I'm building bridges and I need to make new friends.and he could be one. We played Mortal Kombat for a while laughing and enjoying ourselves. Then I put on something funny to watch and we got closer. He then put my arm around him and we began cuddling a little. I didn't think too much of it. then he turned to face me and kissed me. And I kissed back.
We continued kissing for a very long time. it was nice. something I haven't felt in a while. my brian shut off and all i was doing was kissing. We ended up in my bedroom and we continued to make out. We kept our clothes on and I told him inbetween kisses that we can go as slow as you want to. I truly was in no rush. He admitted that was a reason why he never stayed with anyone too long..cause they rushed to have sex .

I've come to realize that, I don't care for Blow Jobs or Anal sex anymore. if it happens it happens but i don't care for it.

We kept out jeans on as our shirts came off..We started grinding against each other and I was loving it and so was he. it was passionate, full of moaning, and heavy breathing..To me this was sex. I was intoxicated by it and so was he. We did this for hours..on and off..it was nice and I enjoyed it.

We met up a second time and did the same thing, and now tomorrow will be the third time will see each other.

Interesting thing is..in our recent facebook conversation he told me, that he'd be getting out of work at 330pm. I told him I'd pick him up around that time. then he stated, " And you'll have your BOYFRIEND a little longer then the other day.

I was taken aback by it and didn't know what to say other then. K with a Adventure Time emoji.
Im no where near ready for that kind of commitment or that label.

he's cute and all, and who knows, in time i could see myself involved with him. I couldn't help but laugh though. I know if victor found out that I even hooked up with him..it would be a travesty. The only person I've told so far is Alvin. I tried to talk to Tony and get some advice but he was busy.

And my stomach is starting to upset me..shortly after cleaning up a bathroom from a patient who might have a stomach bug. The same bug that two other patients had a few days ago. I'm just hoping it

Id hate to cancel on this kid.

Don't know how I feel

it's been about a week since he's moved out officially. it's been about a week since I've felt that I'm totally on my own. Despite all my overdue bills, I'm feeling ok. I'm not so worried anymore.
I asked bob for a loan to help pay my light bill, but he couldn't so I'll probably be out of power sometime over the weekend or monday..I'm hoping for Monday. but I'm not worried. I don't feel as if it's the end of the world. Tony needed a ride the other night. I went to pick him up and he chilled at the apartment for about an hour till Bryant picked him up. I didn't fall apart when he left. He ended up falling asleep on the couch. For a brief moment i remembered the good times. Seeing him sleep and me playing a game. It made me feel glad.
I'm starting to feel ok. I still feel sad sometimes, but it's a different type of sad. It feels like a sadness that is manageable and that I have a feeling I can overcome it. I can't rely on anyone now.
There is no one for me to rely on anymore.

My goal is to finally pay bob back. I need to get this out of the way.
All i can do is enjoy what little comforts I can afford and just breath.

Can't focus and Cant let go

I can't let go and its starting to get to me again.
I sent tony a message and I haven't heard back from him. At first I was trying not to focus and care because I had to get sleep to go to work after my double shift last night. But now..i'm wondering what he's up to or where he is. I just don't know how to handle it. I tried distracting myself by chatting with other people, browsing the internet, but all I keep thinking is that my cable will get shut off by friday. and I'm kicking myself in the ass for buying mass effect andromeda digitally. I've got 40 bucks left to my name and 2 weeks till my next paycheck which will go to rent. So I feel that I'm being backed into a corner.
I feel more tied down then ever. I need to do something soon or else my the time I get paid..everything will be turned off and  I won't be able to fix it. it would be like trying to move a giant bolder with a small stick.
And I can't ask anyone for help.

I am alone!

I just want to get my head and my heart not focusing on tony or any of them right now. I'm thinking of him as if I need him. Like I need him to say hello to me, to comfort me, just to hear his voice makes me feel that the whole world is better.

Like my mom use to be to me. No matter what, her voice always made me feel that no matter what; I was going to be ok. Like I need that reassurance. knowing that they would always be there. But I don't have that right now. I'll never have that again. My mother is gone and so is tony. I must rely on myself but I have no strength in my words.

I keep telling myself that I don't care, but I do care. I'm done with always being afraid.
I need comfort and support and I can't do it.

Moving day.

So, today I believe is the last time I'll see tony in a while. It seems that every time I see him now. I feel pain and sorrow; even with my anti-depressants in me I still am crying. I helped him and the rest of his group move from there old place to there new one.

He's Gone.

So he's gone. Tony came by this morning and I helped him pack up with bed and
some of his other items. Pretty much all his essentials. I cried a little..Tracy was there and she hugged me. She's a great person, I'm glad that Tony has such a good person to be around.
Im still feeling sad about him leaving.
I'm trying not to let my bitterness and sadness overwhelm me.
I will learn to Move on. I have no more tears left.

god, it feels so weird.

I wish you all the happiness in the world

Every time I see you two together, it kills me
Every time I hear you laugh with him on the phone, it kills
me.
I feel so torn and alone and that I don't matter to you or anyone..
it kills me.
Every time you come back, it kills me.

So I decided to let everything you do and say stop killing me, by killing myself.

I loved you so much, I wanted to be your everything, but I wasn't, I couldn't be..you didn't want to put in the effort and I was to blind to see it.

I have no faith in myself anymore, I've tried so so hard to be someone to myself, but I couldn't do it.
The loss of my mother, and now the loss of you is too much for me to bare.
I wanted to know that I still mattered to you. All I wanted was a hug.

I wanted you to talk to me, but you didn't know how to. You said it's my problem, you can't help me. But you could have. you could have held me, you could have asked me more often if I was ok, you could have tried to spend time with me. you would have had the rest of your life to be with him, laugh with him, love him, cherish him.

All I wanted was for you to say, "hey, lets watch a movie together" "hey, let me make you breakfest" or just hey.."ask me how i'm doing", but not be on your cell phone while doing that.

you cast me aside so quickly ..you turned away so fast. I can't deal with it. I can't not now..knowing that you and him are in the next room growing your new life together. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope you learn to open up and really show bryant how great you are.

I'm done with the heart ache, i'm done with the sleepless nights, the crying, the sense of loss, the cold loneliness . you didn't even want to try to work things out..I love you ..and I'm mad at you ..

I'm done feelinglke this..I can't. i just can't.

I leave all my belongings to you. the key for the safe box is in my jewelry box.  take care of the girls.
just burn my body.

i blame myself for who i am and what i've chosen to do. I hate you for leaving me, but I still love you. and I hope byrant is everything you hoped for. I pray that he takes care of you when you need it and that he give you the space that I couldn't to live your own life and make your own mistakes .

I'm done..so done with this pain.
god forgive me.