So I've been playing Call of Duty: infinite warfare every night this week with 2 of my coworkers. And I've been having a blast. I've been playing with Robert Crespo and Robert Bucknan. It's been awesome and I haven't given up. It's been a great experience and Im getting better. I'm still dying alot but I'm getting better.
I hoping this continues.. Tomorrow is paragon day.. I plan on playing paragon for a few hours with a friend I made off of Facebook bear gamer group.
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Expanding myself
Learning to be by myself
Being alone is challenging. It has been challenging for me. I've been giving up on myself again. My kitchen has remained a mess and all I do is play video games and jerk off.
I need to put in more of an effort. To take care of myself. I need to enjoy myself being by myself.
Monday, May 8, 2017
my begining
So where do I begin?
Do I write down the things I want to do, the things I'd like to do or the things I need to do. I don't want to start listing my problems because that would lead to me to self hatred. Even now, I'm fearing that putting the effort in would do more harm then good.
That's my biggest issue..putting in effort. I'm expecting someone to put in the effort for me. when I really need to do it for myself. So, I need to pick something to put effort into. Something which only I can control. what can i start doing?
Things I like to do: Things I would like to do:
Play video games Play Violin
Watching Movies Be more knowledgeable
Laugh Learn to read and retain more knowledge
Sex
I feel as if I don't have any skills, I've let myself go so much..I need to work on my mental and physical health. Since I've lost my gym membership and it will take time to get that back up to speed. I need to find some alternatives. But first, I need to pick one thing off this list of things I'd like to do and focus on that. And I think I will really start with...
Play Violin. it's been on my mind for so long, i've always started then lost interest and lost hope and I've had no one to encourage me. I have to encourage myself. I have to discipline myself. Even now, my mind is telling me to give up. but I need to fight it. Before I go to bed tonight i'm going to pull out my violin and see if everything is still in working order.
I must learn how to hear a note. I must train my brain to get strong again.
I will .
Do I write down the things I want to do, the things I'd like to do or the things I need to do. I don't want to start listing my problems because that would lead to me to self hatred. Even now, I'm fearing that putting the effort in would do more harm then good.
That's my biggest issue..putting in effort. I'm expecting someone to put in the effort for me. when I really need to do it for myself. So, I need to pick something to put effort into. Something which only I can control. what can i start doing?
Things I like to do: Things I would like to do:
Play video games Play Violin
Watching Movies Be more knowledgeable
Laugh Learn to read and retain more knowledge
Sex
I feel as if I don't have any skills, I've let myself go so much..I need to work on my mental and physical health. Since I've lost my gym membership and it will take time to get that back up to speed. I need to find some alternatives. But first, I need to pick one thing off this list of things I'd like to do and focus on that. And I think I will really start with...
Play Violin. it's been on my mind for so long, i've always started then lost interest and lost hope and I've had no one to encourage me. I have to encourage myself. I have to discipline myself. Even now, my mind is telling me to give up. but I need to fight it. Before I go to bed tonight i'm going to pull out my violin and see if everything is still in working order.
I must learn how to hear a note. I must train my brain to get strong again.
I will .
I need to find out what makes me happy
It's been a long two months since I started my anti-depressant medication. it's helped, but now I feel as if my body adjusting to it. and i'm started to feel sad, but for different reasons. The lack of socializing and going out, the boredom, the loneliness, lack of funds. I no longer have that rock bottom mentality, but I feel sad none the less..
I know medication is only half of the answer, I need to work on the second half. I have to put in effort to make myself feel better and with using the things around me. I've been lazy and accepting that laziness. I need to learn to take self control of myself. All past weekend..all I've been thinking about is having cold soda. Soda has become my drug. I can't control that, or I feel that I can't control that.
I've come to realize there are things in my personal life I really need to work on. I've taken the time to morn my losses, I've taken my time to cry and embrace my sorrows . I've taken the time to hate myself, feel sorry for myself, forgive myself and learn to start loving myself. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm learning to breath again. I've been so afraid of failing that i've come to rely on that fear and live within it. My personal prison of fear and self doubt/hatred. I've lived in it for too long. I have to learn to leave the familiar feelings behind. let go of my inner fears of failure. I must sacrifice my familiar comforts if i'm going to be able to grow strong and gain insight into the person i want to be for myself.
I know medication is only half of the answer, I need to work on the second half. I have to put in effort to make myself feel better and with using the things around me. I've been lazy and accepting that laziness. I need to learn to take self control of myself. All past weekend..all I've been thinking about is having cold soda. Soda has become my drug. I can't control that, or I feel that I can't control that.
I've come to realize there are things in my personal life I really need to work on. I've taken the time to morn my losses, I've taken my time to cry and embrace my sorrows . I've taken the time to hate myself, feel sorry for myself, forgive myself and learn to start loving myself. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm learning to breath again. I've been so afraid of failing that i've come to rely on that fear and live within it. My personal prison of fear and self doubt/hatred. I've lived in it for too long. I have to learn to leave the familiar feelings behind. let go of my inner fears of failure. I must sacrifice my familiar comforts if i'm going to be able to grow strong and gain insight into the person i want to be for myself.
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