So the End is near

This is about my mother.

The nursing home called me before I came into work to inform me that she's starting to really fade away. She's stopped eating/drinking completely and is not moving at all now. she's almost gone.

No matter what happens or how prepared you are, your never ready for when someone dies. That's what I keep telling myself. I've ran out of tears, my heart can't break anymore.

I'm numb and maybe that's a good thing. All I can do now if just breath and move forward.

I feel as if my emotional ties to Tony are now unraveling. The more he stays away the better i'm feeling. it get a little difficult when he's back. I've been catching myself saying statements like  "The Apartment" instead of home. I've slowed down in asking him when he's coming back. I'm still somethings pining after he sends a text message waiting for an answer. but i'm trying to distract myself with thought's of what I want to do with my time.

My dilemma now is that i'm wanting to get something for his birthday and i'm thinking either paying off his nintendo switch or looking into buying his watch he's been trying to get these last few months.

A big part of me is saying I shouldn't do anything for him.

I'm actually feeling some anxiety right now..between thinking of my mom and tony. I'm waiting for both people who've meant a lot in my life to just disappear. Like I'm just waiting for bad news.

I need to start thinking of the good news. or good things. Things that will make me feel happy again. Like Mass Effect coming out, me getting my pto time off to play it. What snacks will i have and how much sleep will I not get.

What weekend trip will i take when the weather gets better.
God, How much money I'm gonna save cause I'll be buying food for one.
Thinking of what I should do with that room once tony leaves.

Now that I realize it. I don't know if I'll stay at the apartment . Im thinking I may try to stay at least once more year. Then move into something smaller.
 
Anxiety is getting worse. Found out tony isn't coming home tonight. it's bothering me. like i want to see him and it's making me bad about myself. i know i shouldn't but i feel that..we don't have that much time together left and he's not showing any indication that he'll miss me. I'm feeling as if he wont care that i even exist once he's fully moved out.

he's selfish, he's selfish and I shouldn't give a fuck about it. That's what i should be saying to myself.